This Is Where The Time Is

Hello my friends. In light of recent events I haven't been able to bring myself to write about makeup, but will, if you don't mind, share some of the thoughts that have been circulating my mind grapes.

Since my son was born I'm constantly told that one day I'll look around and wonder where the time went. Family, friends, strangers in the grocery store line, everyone tells me that it's going to fly by, and I'll wonder where it went. That phrase, "you'll wonder where the time went" has been terrifying me for months now. Words really cannot describe how in love I am with Caspian's toothless smile and giant thunder thighs. The idea that I'm going to blink and it's all gone and I won't remember or know where it went brings me to tears. 

A friend of mine recently shared an old baby photo of her now 3 year old daughter on facebook, commenting that everyone was right and you really do "wonder where the time went." For whatever reason, that was the final straw for me. When I saw that picture I held my sleeping baby against my chest and cried thinking over and over, "This is where the time is! It's right here! I have it!" I'm sure I sounded like a crazy person to the other voices in my head. I know that I can't slow the time, but damnit if I'm not going to soak up every second of it. I don't care if the dishes aren't done, I don't care if I can't get as many blog posts out (no offense), I don't care if I'm not sleep training him right, I don't even care that I live off of breakfast cereal or that I eat it with plastic spoons stolen from random take out leftovers because I still haven't done the aforementioned dishes. Though admittedly I probably should care about that one. I'm much sleepier and fatter and much less productive and infinitely happier. When I blink and he's 5 and I blink again and he's 14 and again and he's 40 and I think where did the time go?! I want to be able to stop myself and say, "Wait. I remember. I was there. The time went by and I couldn't stop it but I was there and I had it. The time was spent rocking him to sleep in my arms and absolutely melting over the smell of the top of his head and the softness of his cheek, it was singing 90s R&B and Disney songs at the top of my lungs (sorry neighbors...and husband) because it made him smile when he was fussy, it was falling asleep holding his teeny tiny hand in mine every night, it was kissing his precious pouty lips and seeing his eyes crinkle into a smile because he didn't think I was gross yet, it was getting frustrated sometimes because he was grumpy and sleepy and whatever other dwarfs' names, it was reading him stories before bed while he sucked on the books and noticing over time as he started to really see the pictures and reach out to touch them and being absolutely amazed by his growth and development, it was being invigorated by his fascination with the world around him, and loving my favorite things even more as I got to share them with him. It was the most beautiful and wonderful thing that ever happened to me and I had it damnit and I lived it and I felt it!" So now when we're giggling to each other at Target or going on a walk I recite to myself, "This is where the time is. I have it right here! I'll wonder where it went and remember these moments when I bookmarked it. It was right here. I'm in it and I won't forget." 

My dearest friends lost their beautiful, precious, angelic 3 year old daughter last week in a car accident. Among the many things that have been felt during this experience, one message stands out: savor. the. damn. time. What REALLY matters in the end? I can tell you right now, nothing will matter less than the messes that they made, the tantrums they threw, and the sleep that we lost. It's so easy to be distracted by the hard things, but best case scenario the time will go by too quickly, and worst case it will be stolen. Savor your little ones. "Life moves pretty fast. If you don't stop and look around once in a while, you could miss it."* 

Please take a moment to view my friends' story and consider donating and sharing. It would mean the world to me. 

In Memory of McKaylee Belle Grampp

 *It's never the wrong time to quote Ferris Bueller.